Wait a minute. Male midlife crisis is a psychiatric disorder? No…not exactly. Midlife is a time of life that everyone goes through if they live long enough. Being at midlife isn’t a crisis in itself. But for many, a crisis can strike from a major change of life at that time, like divorce or changes in work or health. For some it’s as simple as aging… noticing gray hair or gaining weight or needing blood pressure medicine… Whatever triggers the crisis, it often spurs a fear of dying in some way. Realizing that you’re mortal and won’t live forever. Feeling like you haven’t achieved by now what you intended to… wondering if you’ll ever achieve your goals. Or if it’s even worth trying. Futility. Dissatisfaction with your life. Feeling hopeless, powerless to change what’s inevitable, like old age, declining health, fearing you’ll reach the point where you’re no longer useful…to anyone.
It makes you feel lonely and isolated. Work is no longer exciting, but a drudgery. And all that work just to pay the mortgage, the electric, gas, and water bills, the internet and grocery bills, clothes for the kids, college.
Where’s the energy, the fun, the hope for the future?
Take Justin.
At 43, he’s worked at this job for 14 years. He’s seen some of his co-workers come and go, but far too many continue to surround him with their bad habits, their complaining, their conflicts in the meeting room, and their bragging. HIs tolerance was running thin.
His long hours didn’t seem to pay off, either. He woke at 5am to shower and dress for work, fought traffic for over an hour to get there, then after a 10 hour day of high stress, fought traffic for an hour and 45 minutes to get home.
By that time, his wife was tired, kids were irritable… and so was he.
On the weekend, his only time off, he spent most of one day mowing the lawn and attending sports games for his kids with what time that was left. Male midlife crisis was beginning to eat at him.
What happened to enjoyment..? What a rat race.
He brought home more money than he’d ever dreamed he would, but it was gone after paying bills… before he got the chance to enjoy it.
As a young man, he enjoyed the thrill of conquest.
Seeing a pretty girl, approaching her with charm, watching her melt under the warmth of his attentions. But now he’d been married 15 years, and the thrill had been replaced by familiarity and responsibility. He wasn’t one to assault his wife’s security with infidelity. He’d made vows, and he had stood by them.
But, he found himself thinking about what it would be like, just once ,to feel the thrill of the hunt again.
Still, he wasn’t about to compromise his marriage or hurt his wife, even though a part of him loathed himself for it.
He thought about other things he could do for a thrill. Like buying a sports car. Or a motorcycle — a powerful luxury one — so he could feel the power between his legs at night on the open road. Maybe a boat. Which would offer the most “bang” for the buck?
Restlessness grew inside him as male midlife crisis progressed
Gray hair was gathering at his temples, and the sight of it made him realize he was past his prime. He expected to be in upper management by now, maybe even in the C suite. While he had a group of sharp employees reporting to him, many of them with masters degrees or higher, he still felt like a worker bee.
Over the next few months, his wife often looked into his eyes, searchingly.
Like she was trying to read his soul.
Finally, one day he approached her.
“Jen, I want to pull from our retirement savings account and buy a motorcycle. So we can have something to look forward to. Something nice, big, and powerful. We could go out at night and ride in the country. We need some sort of pleasure.”
“A motorcycle, Justin? Seriously? You’ve never shown interest in motorcycles… Where’s this coming from?”
Justin opens up
“I feel like I’m getting old. For the life of me, I can’t find any fun in life anymore. I do nothing but work at a job I’m fed up with, work in the yard, and go to the kids games. Nothing is for pleasure. My dad died at 54, which is not that far off for me. I wonder if we’ll both live long enough to actually need our retirement money. What does it all mean if all we do is work, then die?
“Remember the passion we used to have? The excitement? Where is it? I love the kids, and wouldn’t trade for them, but since they were born there’s been nothing for us anymore. I guess it’s been getting to me lately…
“Half the time, I lie in bed at night with my mind spinning, instead of sleeping. I can’t seem to turn it off. Then, day after day after week I drag through work exhausted. Call it midlife crisis in men if you want to — but all I know is that I’m sick of it.”
“Justin, honey, I really sympathize with what you’re feeling. I can imagine your work seems thankless at times. You’re a good man. And you do take such good care of this family. At the same time, it worries me to spend money out of our retirement savings on something as frivolous as a motorcycle. You are in that proverbial male midlife crisis age group, it’s true… but I have no idea if that’s going on with you or not.
“You’ve always been such a stickler about our saving for the future, and it’s surprising to hear you wanting to spend down that fund. It worries me.”
“Jenn, I think I regret not taking that promotion four years ago. It would have required our moving out of state and we wanted to keep the kids’ lives stable in school and with friends. We made the decision to stay here for their sakes, but my career seemed to stall as a result.
“Quite honestly, I’m haunted by the ol’ saying, ‘what might have been…’ We’ll never know but the excitement and challenge of the trajectory I was on has died down to drudgery, sameness, routine nothingness. I’m bored. Disappointed.”
He slammed his drink down on the table hard.
Alarmed, Jen shot him a look.
“Let’s keep talking, Justin… I don’t know what the answer is, but I ache that you’re suffering. I’ve been so busy for so long, I wasn’t in touch with what you were going through.”
Justin went off by himself under the pretense of organizing the garage. He just sat and stared ahead in the gasoline tainted air. He’d felt himself sinking for a good while. The motorcycle idea was his way of trying to find some release.
It looked like that wasn’t going to go anywhere.
Life was quickly losing its luster. Justin’s appetite diminished, because food tasted like cardboard…sawdust. Nothing. His responsibilities at work seemed to become overwhelming. He thought about death more and more, and about those he knew who had died. What had been a tragedy before was now overwhelming as he tried to wrap his head around what dying would be like.
Jen noticed a marked decline in Justin’s engagement in their lives. He seemed withdrawn, detached, and maybe even despondent.
She decided to invite his boss and wife over for dinner…hoping maybe it would give Justin a lift. Ed and Lizzie were solid, enjoyable people in their late 50’s and she felt like she and Justin needed an infusion of positivity in their lives.
The evening was going somewhat smoothly, in spite of how quiet Justin was. Finally, Ed turned to Justin directly and asked, “How’s life treating you?”
Justin replied, “Fine.”
Midlife Crisis in Men is Common
“When I was your age, Justin, I struggled. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but for many of us, the 40’s are no piece of cake. I questioned everything…my career, my marriage, my kids, my purpose. There were rough waters to navigate. I’m so grateful to Lizzie for riding it out with me. She couldn’t fix it, but she got me to go for counseling to help me resolve my disappointments with life, my fear of losing my purpose, and that horrific issue of missing the life of a young buck.
“You’re at the proverbial midpoint in your life, Justin. Do you think about it?”
Justin stirred, then crossed his legs. “If I were honest, I’d have to say yes.”
“Well, if you do, just know you’re normal. The hard part is to not make rash decisions when this is going on. I’ve known many men who lost their marriages. For me, the counseling helped. I also became depressed for awhile and sought treatment for that, too.”
The conversation turned to sports and then gardening. Overall, it was a pleasant evening, though Justin seemed withdrawn and irritable after they were gone. He got up and went to bed.
Jen realized she needed to give him space.
However, over the next few days he searched online about midlife, male midlife crisis, depression treatment, and anxiety.
He read several articles that differentiated between midlife reevaluation and depression, but hinted that depression could result when a guy determined to avoid bad decisions, and turned his anger and disappointment onto himself.
“Hmmmm…”
Ok, so this is something you don’t have to ruin your life over…rather…you can get some help.
He figured he needed to do something about the depression (if that was going on), if it was possible.
And he probably needed some sort of counseling to help him come to terms with all his regret and disappointment. He didn’t want to upset his family’s security and stability by losing his job or his marriage… even though a voice inside him screamed RUN!!
Justin learned that a prominent treatment for depression was IV ketamine treatment. So he called to find out more at a psychiatric practice with a strong reputation he found.
Then he googled psychotherapy for male midlife crisis, and a number of links appeared. He read their websites, and chose one who seemed to have an approach he could relate to.
With the help of the ketamine infusions, the dark cloud – that seemed to hold his outlook hostage – cleared away, and he felt hopeful again, even joyful. It had been a long time since he’d felt joy about anything.
In therapy, over the next year, he came to peace about his life, his age, his purpose, and the people he loved. He and Jenn did actually buy that motorcycle, and enjoyed day trips often. But they made the decision together to make time for themselves, individually and as a couple.
As his sense of purpose improved, so did his performance at work, and a promotion was offered to him before long that was in the same building, with a pay increase. It didn’t make him rich, but it sure did improve his ambition.
The future looked brighter.
A year later, Justin had lunch with Ed and told him how much his comments about male midlife crisis had been a lifeline to him, and how he appreciated Ed’s candor at a time when he couldn’t offer the same.
Ed just said, “Pay it forward, Justin. It’s great to hear you’ve got your fire back.”
And you?
Everyone goes through midlife, if you’re lucky enough to live that long. It can feel like the end, but it’s really the beginning of the rest of your life. And, it’s the time when you get to use the wisdom you’ve fought hard to gain during your first half of life.
But it can be a time when you feel bad for awhile. Confused, disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated, and sad.
If you can get support to help you navigate the feelings, and seek treatment if depression and/or anxiety become a problem, you can hopefully come out on the other side wiser, more settled, and at peace.
If you can relate to Justin and his struggles, if you’re suffering from depression or anxiety symptoms, call us.
Midlife is just a name for a milestone in your life, and can be manageable with the right support.
That’s what we’re here for. To support your best and rewarding life.
To the restoration of your best self,
