Caryn lay in bed, looking around the room. She’d been here in this bed for months. The mess had piled up from doing so little, and her finding no initiative to get up and do anything. No energy, either emotionally or physically. She looked across the room at the pile of clutter collected on her desk. She’d never lived like this before. She liked a tidy house, but had just been enduring…surviving…for the past year. (How could she heal from the brokenness and failure that overwhelmed her?) Her closest friends had known her for many years, and knew this wasn’t like her. They instinctively knew something was wrong. She thought that surely she could get up and just start putting things away from the top of that dresser, but when she tried, she gave up in a few minutes. It was just too much.
She had a history of periods of depression, but Caryn had finally seen a psychiatrist when she was in her 40’s. After a few tries they’d found an antidepressant that helped. That one medicine had helped her feel like herself again, and supported her through the ups and downs of life. When a loved one had died, she was sad and she grieved a good while. But she still functioned. It wasn’t like the depressions that used to cut her off at the knees anymore… until now.
Antidepressant Just Stopped Working
But now, for whatever reason, the antidepressant had stopped working. She couldn’t sleep… but lay awake through the nights with her mind racing. All too often, she saw the sun rise, as she soaked in despair.
And she seemed to keep plunging deeper. Caryn lived alone, and the pandemic had isolated her in her house. She found herself revisiting memories from her life. She thought about a string of incidents that took place with various loved ones. Her sister, her children… her parents.
And though she’d always been a generally kind and understanding person, she wasn’t perfect. She knew that. But the excursions through her mountain of memories took her on deep dives into the depths of what occurred in those incidents. It seemed her insights were heightened and distorted, and she found herself privy to how her oversights and less than sensitive responses to people she truly cared about had caused them deep hurt.
She hadn’t realized at the time, but now all these mistakes came flooding in.
She couldn’t bear to think she had scarred people she loved. Could they heal from her mistakes? Could she heal from such brokenness…. Such failure? The more she thought about these incidents in the past, the darker she felt. Her energy for life seemed to drain away.
Her husband had left her when the children were growing up, and she had been devastated. When he left, her belief in herself – and her sense of worth – went with him. If she had been a valuable person, he would have wanted to be with her. At least, that seemed obvious to her at the time. She suffered that her poor children had had to grow up with only her as a parent.
When her children were born, she believed in herself and her talent as a wise and loving parent. But now those beliefs seemed to dismantle and disintegrate by the day, and she became increasingly more convinced that she had utterly failed them all.
The more she thought about it, the darker she became inside. And the darker her outlook, the more numb she felt.
Sometimes the memories of the business she had built flooded her. Talk about failure. Could she ever heal from it and the brokenness that had replaced it? She was on her game back then. She’d overcome her divorce grief to build a worthwhile business that performed an important service.
She had pushed through her fears and had developed a client list of Fortune 500 companies. She flew around the country solving IT problems, while managing a team of 24 contractors who did the same. Her company’s reputation for clean, fast, and brilliant solutions grew fast and she enjoyed a level of income and respect she’d never dreamed.
Then, the software her team supported became less popular after 12 years, and the need for their skills waned. They worked together to build new, more marketable, skills for the current market, but their expertise wasn’t as deep, and their reputation suffered. For four more years she held onto her business with white knuckles, until she had to close it.
She had been devastated. Stripped bare.
Now, the pandemic was subsiding.
But as she lay in bed, she felt like she would drown in the pain of those failures. Her sense of inadequacy, as she looked back over her life, overwhelmed her. It seemed impossible that she could heal from the brokenness of her failures and mistakes.
Broken dreams, shattered hope, splintered relationships. What a mess she’d made of her life.
Where could she go from here? What was left?
Caryn found herself wondering if this is how life ends. She felt isolated from people who loved her. It didn’t seem to her it would matter much to others if she just died. She thought of the expensive set of sharp cooking knives in the kitchen drawer. It would be so easy to end this.
Steeped in that thought, she was jarred back to the present with a knock at the door.
Her old friend, Renee, stood there with sacks of groceries. Caryn felt self-conscious about her appearance, but grateful for the food. Going to the grocery store was a rare occurrence for her. It was just too hard to get out.
“Caryn, how are you feeling?”
“I’m ok, Renee. Just not up to much.”
Renee responded, “I wanted to tell you that one of the teachers at school talked to me today about her husband, who has been struggling with depression for nearly a year. They heard about IV ketamine treatment and that it can lift depression dramatically. She said her husband went to a psychiatrist who offers this treatment combined with a special diet, and after a couple months her husband seems like his old self again.
“I wrote down the name of the doctor, in case you might like to research all this online.”
“That sounds very nice. I’m so glad for her husband. It’s hard for me to share the enthusiasm, but that could just be because I don’t feel enthusiasm about anything these days. I question whether I can ever heal from the brokenness and failure I feel. But I will look online to see what I can find. I appreciate you giving me the information.”
Renee put the groceries on her kitchen counter, hugged her, and left.
So Renee got back in bed and googled IV ketamine treatment, and the name of the doctor. She learned that depression isn’t just a “mental” illness, but an illness that affects the whole body.
It helped her understand why she didn’t feel like getting out of bed. Why her limbs felt heavy and without energy. Why her lack of energy felt mental, emotional, and physical. In fact, it was spiritual, too.
The idea that something was wrong in her whole body, and that there could be treatment for it, gave her the first glimmer of something akin to hope. Maybe…just maybe…she could get treatment that would help her feel alive again.
Was It Possible?
Caryn felt such a deep need to heal from her brokenness and failure, and had no idea if this treatment could help. But she called her daughter and son-in-law, and asked if she could stay with them a few weeks so they could help her get to her infusions. They welcomed her and promised to pitch in with driving her.
Then she called the doctor she’d learned about and made an appointment for an evaluation.
It was hard for her to shower, pack some clothes, and load the car. She spread the arrangements out over 2 days – she was moving slowly – then set off on the 2 hour drive to her daughter’s house.
Since she’d been in bed so long, she had very little stamina. But her daughter helped her get ready and drove her to each infusion appointment. In between they talked at length about improving her diet with foods rich in flavonoids, omega 3 fatty acids, and low carbs…as well as taking walks together each day to start building her stamina again.
With her daughter putting blueberries and strawberries in front of her each morning, and glazed salmon, cucumber, tomato, mozzarella and onion salad for lunch, and chicken piccata, avocados, and asparagus for dinner, Caryn began to notice a change.
She was feeling better.
They took short walks with the dog in the mornings and afternoons, then Caryn rested afterward.
She didn’t notice much change after the first three ketamine infusions, but after the fourth it seemed that a wall was coming down inside her. Hard to describe but she could feel it.
And light began to trickle into her consciousness replacing the darkness that had been her constant companion for so long. She was beginning to believe in the routine they had created, as she felt the bottomless pit inside her filling in more and more.
She’d been adrift, but now it felt as through a solidness was growing under her feet. Like she was less vulnerable. Less hollow.
Despair was fading.
In its stead she felt bits of hope at first, then more and more.
She began to believe she really could heal from all the brokenness and failure that had smothered her.
After a month with her daughter, Caryn hugged her and her son-in-law and thanked them for their help and support when she needed it so desperately, and assured them she was ready to go home.
Once home, she hired someone to come over and help her put things away and clean the house so she had a fresh start. After that, she had the clarity of mind and purpose to put things away again as she used them, so she could continue to enjoy the clean house. The miracle was that she could.
She gave herself rest breaks and times of solace when she needed it, but began to occasionally call up Renee and meet her for lunch. Then, she made time for another friend, too.
Recovery was a process, but IV ketamine and her daughter’s care had given her the tools to move forward.
And she was so grateful to be feeling so much better.
And what about you? What about your loved ones?
Can you identify with the things Caryn suffered?
Depression can come unexpectedly. And it can seem to swallow all of yourself.
But there’s hope.
If you’ve been hurt, disappointed, devastated by the actions of others… or yourself… and have been overwhelmed with despair, call us.
Don’t let failure and brokenness become life threatening for you. You can live again, relish joy again, and and build loving relationships again.
Let us help you find your way back to joy.
If you have thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline. Talk to someone who can help.
To the restoration of your best self,
