Angela unconsciously rubbed her forehead. She tried not to worry, but it was futile. Her son, Matt, was 17 and suffered with bipolar disorder, as well as a chronic condition that had caused him to lose most of his eyesight. Emotional regulation was very difficult for him, and his medications only helped slightly. The frustration he experienced from his impaired vision triggered frequent explosive reactions. She did all she could to help him cope, find better doctors, take his medication on schedule, etc. But it took all she had to give to try to help him stay on track in his life, and it wasn’t enough. Trouble was, she wouldn’t live forever. What would happen to Matt after she was gone? When your child battles with special needs, you may be the only one who can help.
She was startled from her reverie by a loud crash. Jumping up, Angela ran toward the sound and discovered Matt in the living room, holding a broken lamp he’d just slammed against the wall.
“Matt! Is everything ok..?” She kept her tone calm and reassuring. She knew if she showed alarm, Matt would likely escalate. Many years of experience had taught her to avoid inflections, tones, or facial expressions that could incite a reaction from her son.
“I couldn’t get the light to turn on. When I tried to turn the knob on it, I couldn’t see it and the lamp toppled. I tried to catch it before it fell but it slipped through my hands…!”
She kept her face frozen in a look of concern. “Oh Matt. I’m so sorry.”
Angela knew Matt hadn’t set out to break the lamp, but he had a short fuse, and responding to frustration calmly always seemed to be beyond his ability. She grabbed the broom and dustpan and swept up the mess then put it in the trash. Matt grabbed his white cane and exploded out the front door.
She didn’t know where he went, but they were way past the point where she could control what he did or where he went. Countless experiences like this assured her that he’d be back when he’d walked long enough to cool off. When your child battles with special needs, you learn how to navigate the hard moments.
She made a cup of coffee and sat at the table with it. As she sipped, she thought back over the last 8 years since Matt was diagnosed. Like that first time she saw him pick up a vase and smash it on the tile floor in a rage. The day their lives changed forever.
Angela felt like such a failure as a mother. She tried to convince herself that Matt’s problems weren’t her fault. That he was ill, and the loss of his eyesight just made it worse. But she often put her parenting under a microscope to critique all her decisions and responses, and it seemed to her that Matt’s behavior was proof that she didn’t have the wisdom to be his mom.
Once again, she got her laptop and googled facilities that could help her son learn to manage his life. He had never raised a hand to her, had never hurt her. But he had caused a lot of damage to property over the years.
As she searched, she found few places where he could go for long term treatment and training. Unfortunately, those she found were prohibitively expensive. She could send him to an Ivy League university for the amount of money required! But she was a single mom, and extremely high monthly tuition was just not available. It’s tough when your child battles with special needs, and you don’t have the funds to get the help for him you wish you could.
Just then the front door opened, and Matt walked in, stashed his white cane by the door, and looked sheepish. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Oh Matt, I do understand. You know that. Did the walk help?”
“A little. But a walk, even for a couple hours, doesn’t erase the shame I feel all the time. I can’t seem to control the way I react to things, and the shame erodes me. Like acid.”
Angela wished she knew someone who could help Matt, but she also wished she had someone to talk to herself. Worry about the future ate at her, and she wondered if Matt would ever be able to build a career, or get an education. In short, would he ever be able to take care of himself?
The life they had together seemed to mostly entail putting out fires, per se. Matt was so volatile he often interrupted classes, or skipped them altogether. His grades were barely passing… or in some cases, not even that.
One night, she realized he’d been quiet, and she walked through the house to find him. She found him sitting in a lawn chair in the garage, finishing off a bottle of wine. Her heart sank. Her child battled with disabilities, and now he was trying to manage his symptoms with something around the house.
She knew he was self-medicating, but adding alcohol to the mix of everything else was just going to make his life, and hers, all the harder.
Angela strode across the garage, gently but firmly picked up the almost empty bottle, and took it to the kitchen to pour out the rest. She then got the only other bottle of wine from the top shelf and carried it to her room, locked the door, and hid it deep in her closet.
Then she walked calmly back to the garage, and suggested he go to bed. He was drunk, and any discussion now would only lead to disastrous results.
“Mom, you know I can’t sleep. The reason I drank the wine was to help me sleep. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Ok, Matt, but I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning. I hope you’ll be able to get some rest.”
Angela went to her room and locked the door. She didn’t want to leave the opportunity for Matt to come in while she slept, in hopes of finding the extra wine. She got in bed, put her head on the pillow, and stared at the ceiling. She was exhausted.
The challenges of daily life with him were overwhelming, but what would become of him after she’s gone? She wouldn’t live forever. How on earth could she help him find better psychiatric care, better management of his symptoms? And how would he manage in the world without someone to drive him around, guide him, protect him from himself and others? A child who battles with special needs is heartbreaking for a parent.
Her stomach twisted in a knot as she thought about it. In fact, she remained twisted up most of the time. Loving him took all of herself. If only she had money, so she could set up a trust for his care. But that wasn’t a possibility. She feared he’d drink too much and commit a crime no one could prevent. That he’d end up in prison, blind, volatile, and angry.
What would other prisoners do to him?
His condition wasn’t his fault.
But he’d be held accountable for anything he did that might not be lawful. When he was having one of his episodes, there was no telling what sort of trouble he might get himself into.
Her mind sped in spiraling circles. She had no solutions.
Fear rose up in her and threatened to make her throat close. She was terrified for her son.
She talked to her friend, Cherie, about her fears, and Cherie searched her face.
“Angela,” she said. “You look terrible. All this is taking a tremendous toll on you. You’re a wonderful mom. But you have to accept that the health problems Matt has are not something you could have prevented, or that you can control. You honestly need to take care of you, for a change.
“You probably don’t realize it, but the stress of Matt’s problems is wearing you down with worry. Angie, you need to find a way to take a break from it. In fact, I would seriously suggest you talk to a psychiatrist for your own needs. Do you realize how beat up you are emotionally? How much damage all this worry and anxiety can do to you?”
Angela hadn’t thought about that. She was always just putting one foot in front of the other, pushing through the current crisis. Her child who battled with special needs seemed to need everything she had to give.
Cherie dug in her purse and pulled out a card, which she handed to Angela.
“This is a psychiatrist I’ve heard wonderful things about. Why don’t you call and see if you can get an appointment? Maybe he can help.”
Angela thought a lot about her conversation with Cherie. She finally picked up the card and made the call. An appointment was arranged for the following week.
When Angela met with the doctor, they talked non-stop for nearly an hour. After listening intently to her, she explained that she had been living in so much stress for so many years, and had developed generalized anxiety disorder. She gave Angela a card to a facility that offered day supervision for people like Matt so their caregivers could get a break. She also recommended that Angela seek ketamine treatment, as it could be effective for the kind of anxiety she had, the kind that had just crept into her pores.
Since ketamine had been found to be so effective for restoring joy, hope, and resilience, it was a good match for Angela’s needs.
Ketamine treatment pushed the “Reboot” button.
She signed up with the psychiatric practice her doctor recommended to receive ketamine. After 3 infusions, she began to feel less stressed and more optimistic. In all, she needed 7 infusions, and experienced something wonderful a few days after the last one. For lack of a better description, it felt to her like resilience…like when things went wrong, she could bounce back on her feet and keep going. Who knew?
This resilience also helped her to have an optimistic outlook and to take each day as it came. Worry faded, and embracing the present became more natural. As a result, she learned to take each day as it came with Matt and he seemed to become a little more calm, too.
It wasn’t that Angela’s treatments solved all her problems. It was that she had more capacity to work toward coping and seeking solutions, while also taking better care of herself.
If your child battles with special needs of any kind and needs a great deal of your support, you may need someone to care for you, too.
Does Angela’s situation strike a chord for you? If so, call us.
We’re here to help you find relief, joy, and resilience through ketamine treatment so you can face your days as your best self, with hope.
To the restoration of your best self,
