When you google “top 5 stressors for marriage,” you get a lot more than 5 stressors. Things like finances, a new job, moving, in-laws, children, health crisis, poor communication, and major changes are just a few. But when you combine in-laws, health crisis, finances, moving, and major changes into one avalanche, like moving an aging parent into your home, the stress and impact can be crushing. Tom and Jannette knew this first hand. They’d been married 17 years, their children were teens, and they had a pretty full life. Until Tom’s mom seemed to be growing less steady on her feet, and displaying some confusion. When aging parents need your help, you do what you need to do. But who will help you?
Tom’s dad had died 6 years before after a sudden heart attack, and his mom had been doing ok trying to get through her grief and rebuild her life. Then the confusion started. And after that, she had a couple falls. So, Tom and Janette began to worry about her in a real way.
It wasn’t like their life was relaxed or leisurely.
With 3 teenaged children they were always on the go. Attending parent teacher meetings, soccer practices (and games on weekends), gymnastics, church, and choir practice. Plus both Tom and Janette worked, and the kids had school projects and daily homework. Their lives were full to the brim.
But when Gran started falling, they realized they had to do something to help her and keep her safe. They couldn’t afford a nursing facility, and she had always been adamant she’d never want to live in a place like that…she insisted she’d die of loneliness. So they cleaned out the guest room, and moved her in. Aging parents need your help sometimes. You can’t ignore it. After all the love they’ve given you, you feel like you have to find a way to help.
Within the first couple weeks, they noticed things about Gran they hadn’t seen before. They probably hadn’t been around her enough to realize it, but she was showing signs of more confusion than they expected.
She would wake up in the morning and put on her clothes over her pajamas. They soon realized they needed to help her dress. A few months later, after they helped her dress she would take everything back off. By that time she started losing control of her body functions and required a diaper.
They would empty the dishwasher only to find she had reloaded it with clean dishes.
Then they’d notice the washer running, and look inside to find it stuffed with her clean clothes.
Their full-to-the-brim life reached a pinnacle of overwhelming and crushing futility. The simplest routine task became ten times harder, more complicated, and time consuming. Jannette often reached a point of tears, as she plodded through her responsibilities. Tom was doing his best to help with everything, but his efforts continued to fall short, too. With the changes they’d made since Gran moved in, it was becoming harder and harder to make ends meet. But when aging parents need your help, you give it.
Getting the kids to their various activities was overwhelming. Gran had begun slipping out of the house when no one was looking, and had gotten lost once. It required the help of the police department to find her and bring her home. So to keep her safe, she could not be left alone — ever.
The result was that they bundled her up in the car every time they left, ran an errand, or took kids to their activities. More time. More arguments.
Jannette grew more and more run down, exhausted, and hopeless. She was doing the best she could to keep the family functioning — and her mother-in-law safe — but it never seemed to be enough. She cut back on her hours at work to try to accommodate the needs at home. Less money now.
Futility. Overwhelming futility.
Jannette felt like she was drowning.
When she saw she just couldn’t seem to get up anymore and do what she needed to do, she saw her doctor to see if he could help. It wasn’t hard for him to connect the dots after listening to her story, and realize she needed to see a psychiatrist. She was in crisis and treatment was necessary.
He referred her to a psychiatrist he trusted, who brought her in for an appointment the next day. They talked about her situation at home, about her kids’ lives, and about her mother-in-law’s pressing needs. She asked her if she ever thought about ending her life.
She looked her in the eye…held her gaze.
“Yes.”
She explained stress, and the damage it can do when you’re under the kind of intense stress that doesn’t let up. How it can lead to compelling, overwhelming suicidal thoughts. And how ketamine treatment can stop those thoughts to give you the freedom to seek treatment, and give you the time you need to get better, without the life-threatening thoughts.
They agreed to begin infusions the next day. Jannette didn’t know what to expect but so hoped this would help.
Then, Jannette realized the following afternoon that she hadn’t thought about dying all day.
She went back for another infusion that week and realized she wasn’t thinking about, or visualizing, herself dying like she had been…so many times every day she couldn’t count them.
But she also noticed something else. There was a sort of lifting inside her… an elevation where her heart was… she wondered if it was the beginning of hope…
As a result of her treatment, she was able to talk with Tom about what she’d been going through. They realized that as much as they loved Gran, they had to find a different solution.
In going through her papers, they found she had provisions for long term care that would help pay for her to be admitted to a memory care facility, so she could be kept safe. She would have support, and would eat nutritionally balanced meals, and they could visit her often.
They faced that Gran’s needs combined with the needs of the family were too great a cost for Jannette, so they set out to make hard decisions, and follow through with changes, that would help Jannette get strong and healthy again.
Sometimes you can have the best intentions, but the cost can be too high.
Their oldest child, Jason, had a driver’s license now, so the family sat down to make a schedule that would lighten the load on Jannette. They scheduled 3 visits a week with Gran at her new home. One visit to be made by Tom on the weekend, one made by Jannette on Tuesdays, and one by their son Jason with his sister Chelsi on Thursdays. When your aging parents need your help, you find ways to give it. This schedule gave Gran lots of family contact, while allowing their son to participate in activities of his senior year, and allowing Jannette some down time.
Jason would take Chelsi and their sister Heidi to gymnastics, cheerleading practice, and choir.
Within a month or two, the family’s life began to calm down, and become more rewarding, while allowing the time and freedom for healing, and peaceful contemplation occasionally.
After Jannette’s ketamine infusions were completed, she found she was feeling better and better, as time went by. She received 7 infusions in all, and began seeing a therapist, too, to help her make progress more efficiently. She also read that she could progress more effectively if she really invested her effort when she had the urge to do something productive or to show care for herself.
All the steps she took were working together to help her improve.
Jannette experienced hope seeping in, and over time, she got her feet under her again.
She began to visit Gran on the weekend with Tom. They noticed Gran was sometimes not recognizing them, but they did their best to make her feel loved, and they would do that going forward. When your aging parent needs your help, there is a way to help if you look for it.
Tom told Jannette that he was sorry she had gotten so run down before they took steps to support her. She explained that she was thankful that while Gran was still lucid they could keep her in the heart of their family. And yet…she was so thankful they had an alternative when it got to be too much.
If you have been helping a family member, and are experiencing burnout, or the symptoms of major depression and/or suicidal thoughts, and if nothing has helped…call us.
We understand how hard it can be to overcome the stress of a difficult life, and overcome the exhaustion…and depression.
Sometimes a caretaker has to take a time out to restore and heal. And sometimes they need more than that.
We specialize in providing ketamine treatment, and are here to help.
May 2023 be a year of new beginnings for you and those you love.
To the restoration of your best self,
