“Kayle! Kaaaaaayle!! Are you home?” No answer. Beth called again, then ran upstairs to check his bedroom. She knocked on the closed door. “Kayle?” Silence. Beth opened his door, and there was Kayle, sound asleep. The room smelled like body odor, and his dirty clothes were piled on every surface, and hanging from every protrusion. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Had he been asleep all day? “Kayle! Wake up!! It’s 4pm and you need to get up. Did you look for a job today? Were you up all night?” Kayle’s sloppy life style, lack of motivation, and self absorption was getting to her. She and Sean, Kayle’s dad, had reared him to be responsible and hard working, but it didn’t seem to work as well with Kayle as with the other two. They knew they needed to put their foot down. But little did they know, they were about to find out what to do when letting go breaks your heart.
Kayle’s older sisters were both good students, and worked at jobs while carrying a full load in college. But Kayle was the youngest, and the least motivated of the three. What was most upsetting was that he seemed to lack the moral fiber they had tried so hard to instill in their kids.
When Sean got home from work, Beth talked with him about Kayle.
“Whatever we’re doing with Kayle, it isn’t working. He seems to have gotten into a pattern of staying up all night and sleeping all day. He’s caught up in himself and his friends, without taking responsibility for his own life. I think we need to think about requiring him to pay rent or else get his own apartment. Something that will force him to get a job and take responsibility for himself. What do you think? Since he finished high school he seems to think he’s on a permanent vacation.”
“Whew Beth! What brought this on?”
“I got home at 4 this afternoon and he was sound asleep. Clearly he’d been asleep all day. He’s not building his own life…it’s worrying me to the bone! To make matters worse, he needs a shower and his room smells like he does. I seriously wonder what goes on at night while we’re sleeping…”
“Ok, ok Beth. I see what you mean. I’ve been so busy with work I hadn’t realized what he’d been up to. Let’s talk with him this weekend about his options.”
Beth and Sean went to bed… and at about 1:45 am the doorbell rang.
“What the heck..??” Sean picked up the bat he kept by the bed and headed downstairs to see who was at the door at this time of the night.
He opened the door to two police officers.
“Is something wrong? We didn’t call 911.”
One of the officers spoke up. “Is Kayle Jackson here?”
“Yes, he’s in bed. May I ask what this is about?”
“We need to speak with him please. Would you wake him up?”
“Yes, OK. Would you like to step inside?”
Sean let them into the entry hall, and went upstairs to wake Kayle. When he reached his room, he tapped on the door then opened it. No one was in Kayle’s bed. In fact, Kayle was nowhere to be seen. By now, Beth had donned her robe and met Sean in the hall. A slow dread creeped up the back of her neck…the feeling that they were about to find out what to do when you have to let go…and letting go breaks your heart.
“What’s going on?”
“The police are here and want to see Kayle. But he’s gone! No sign of him!”
Sean quickly returned downstairs and told the police that Kayle wasn’t in the house and he was supposed to be in bed.
One of the officers handed Sean a card, and asked him to call him immediately if he heard from him.
Sean and Beth couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. They made coffee and sat together in the living room. Their hearts were gripped with fear for Kayle, and they were also angry that he was up to something dishonorable…whatever it was.
As the light of dawn shone through the windows, they heard the kitchen door open and close. Footsteps padded through the house toward the stairway, then they saw him.
“Kayle?”
He stopped in his tracks and spun around to see them both sitting in the living room. Busted, he thought.
His dad asked, “Where have you been??”
“Just hanging out with friends.” Kayle shifted his weight from foot to foot.
“Kayle, the police were here. They’re looking for you. What have you done??”
Kayle cleared his throat, then said, “I’m sure it’s no big deal. Don’t worry about it.” He turned to start up the stairs.
“Kayle Sumner Jackson! Don’t you dare blow us off. It IS a big deal when police come to the door at 2 am looking for you. I have the phone number they left and you need to call and find out what it’s about. You have a lot of explaining to do, and we have to talk about decisions that need to be made.”
“Dad..Mom…I am not going through this right now. I’m not going to let you intimidate me. I’m certainly not going to call them. Right now I’m going upstairs to go to bed. I’m no longer a kid, and I will make my own decisions.” With that, Kayle ran upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. Once again, the realization hit them that they were going to have to let go and letting go breaks your heart.
Sean and Beth fumed. Where did their son get the nerve to treat them so disrespectfully??
The doorbell rang. Again.
Sean answered the door to the same two officers. It was now 6:30am.
“Hello, Mr. Jackson, we followed Kayle here, and saw him enter your house from the back. May we come in? We need to take him into custody before he escapes again.”
“Yes, come in. But what is this about..?”
The officers told him they needed to speak directly to Kayle. They started up the stairs to find his room.
Sean and Beth heard them announce themselves and then heard some scuffling. Then Kayle and the two police officers started down the stairs with Kayle in handcuffs.
“Mr. Jackson, we’re placing your son under arrest.”
They walked out the front door, led Kayle to the patrol car, opened the back door and guided his head down into the car. After closing him into the back seat, they drove off.
Sean and Beth were speechless.
Something inside Beth snapped. Shattered.
What was happening to her son? Where did they go wrong? What would happen to Kayle? What would it be like for him in jail? All night long? And then what? This wasn’t likely to go away.
WHAT had he done??
Of course, they called their lawyer friend. Asked him to find out what Kayle was being charged with. What should happen next?
Beth felt like she was in a time warp. She couldn’t think, her heart felt like a stone in her chest. How could they have been so oblivious? Letting go was breaking her heart…
Days turned into weeks and revelations abounded. Kayle had been involved in selling prescription drugs to students. Where did he get them? How did this happen? As charges were filed, and he was arraigned, it became more and more clear that Kayle wasn’t the innocent but lazy kid they thought he was. He had been selling these drugs since he was in high school.
The police had too much evidence for the lawyer to make this go away. When they visited Kayle in jail, there was a hardness about him. He wasn’t sorry for breaking the law, just sick that he’d been caught.
Sean was angry.
A slow, hot, boiling rage burned inside him. Beth was heartbroken. She’d wanted to protect Kayle from anything like this ever happening. She’d tried to guide him when he seemed to be veering off during his teens. But apparently, he had connected with friends who influenced him to partake in activities that were illegal, and unfortunately he’d gotten away with it until he was breaking the law in a serious way.
Beth felt like she was walking in a gray sludge. She felt so crushed. So heart broken. She couldn’t separate her heart from her love for Kayle. She wished she could protect him. But Beth also felt furious, betrayed by him, and abandoned. How could he turn his back on all they stood for? He knew better.
It took weeks before she could cry. But one day she decided to clean his room, and gathered up his smelly laundry… and sat down and cried and cried. She poured out her heart, her loss, her fear, her disappointment.
After that, it was like she just went through the motions. Her emotions seemed dead. She felt hopeless. It felt as though Kayle was dead, except he wasn’t. He was still her baby, her youngest, and he was vulnerable in that jail with all those other criminals. She was just sick about it. Her sense of helplessness warred with her desire to protect her son and the recognition she needed to let him work out his own life, mistakes, and consequences. It was all unbearable to her. Letting go was painfully breaking her heart.
Kayle’s story was a blur. He was arrested, without remorse, faced trial, was convicted, and sentenced to 3 years in prison.
A few months after he went to prison, Sean sat down with Beth and talked with her about the need for her to let go, and try to live for her family and for herself. He reminded her that she had two more children besides Kayle, and a husband who loved her. He emphasized that as heartbroken as they both felt, Kayle had made a series of terrible decisions over a period of years. They both still loved him and would love him whether he was in prison, or free. He was their son.
Beth told him she just couldn’t function. She felt so dead inside. And she knew that grief contributed to it. But she had absolutely no energy to do anything or care about anything. She didn’t know how to find her real self again. She knew she loved her husband and family, but couldn’t seem to express it. Everyone saw it. Letting go of Kayle was breaking her heart.
“Beth, honey, I’ve been talking to our friend Ben. Since he’s a psychiatrist, I thought he might have some ideas to help us through this. He pointed out that my ongoing rage is probably a symptom of depression… that this isn’t uncommon in men. And he said you really sound depressed to him — though he couldn’t diagnose you without talking to you.
“He suggested IV ketamine treatment.
“He said it’s been providing extraordinary relief to people around the world who are depressed. Maybe that could be a possibility.”
Sean and Beth went together to the doctor Ben had recommended for a consultation. Even though their symptoms presented so differently, they were both candidates for IV ketamine treatment. A family friend drove them both to each treatment. After the second one, Sean noticed the anger that had consumed him seemed like it was dissolving. After the third treatment, Beth began to feel the stirring of some emotion.
They continued until they felt better. Sean received 8 treatments, and Beth received 10 plus a booster a month later.
By that time, they were both finding joy in daily living, laughing while they prepared dinner, talking freely again. Their letters to Kayle were much more upbeat and hopeful. And Kayle was sounding better and better. He was remorseful that he had not tried harder to build his life when he had the chance, and was turning a new leaf for his future. He planned to go to city college when he got out.
They hoped that was true, but knew only Kayle could make that happen. Still, they would support him if he did. They’d learned a lot about letting go and how it can break your heart.
In the meantime, Sean and Beth made an effort to visit the girls at school periodically, to keep their family close. They were just so relieved that they had the energy and motivation to do it.
Sometimes a family can seem shattered by a serious crisis.
Sometimes we need help to pull the family back together and re-establish purpose and connections.
A treatment like ketamine can put the tools for growth and healing back in your hands.
If the stress of a severe crisis has worn you down and you’re experiencing symptoms like Beth or Sean, call us.
Ketamine treatment isn’t for everyone. We evaluate you carefully to determine if you’re a candidate. And if you are, we can work with you to rediscover your best self. We can help you recover by showing you the steps you can take to be who you strive to be.
Give yourself the best advantage for a rewarding and fulfilling life.
To the restoration of your best self,
