Kinsey recoiled when her mom screamed, “If you don’t cooperate I’m going to kill myself! Do you want that on your conscience??” The security she had felt when she was younger, with both parents making her world safe, seemed to be disintegrating. She felt guilty, confused, and terrified. She trusted her parents, but her mom was saying more and more shocking things, and Kinsey didn’t know what to think or feel. When her dad came home, they ate dinner, then from her room later she heard her parents shouting at each other. Kinsey sat in the corner in her room and pulled up her pants leg and slowly applied her Swiss army knife to the skin on her ankle…slowly but surely breaking the skin and making a tiny line of blood alongside the scars left from other times like this. Somehow as her skin stung from the cut, she began to feel some relief from the anguish. Self harm tormented Kinsey in the chaos of her family crisis.
Strangely, Cutting Helped
After awhile, she felt calmer. The angry sounds in the house became quiet. She leaned her head against the wall and let out a breath. Pulling her sock up and smoothing her pants leg down over her ankle, she got up and crept downstairs. She found her mom in the kitchen.
“Your father has become impossible to live with. I’m moving out tomorrow.”
“Oh mom, NO!!!”
“Yes, I can’t live with his self-righteous attitude another day. I need to be free to live my life.”
Kinsey’s dad didn’t seem self-righteous to her… he just seemed tired. But she trusted her mom and if she said her dad was self-righteous then maybe he was. And if he was, then maybe it was his fault that her family was falling apart. Thoughts of self harm tormented and pulled at her.
Her Parents Separate
The next morning, while she ate her breakfast, her dad sat down with her and told how sorry he was that this was happening. He assured her he didn’t want her to feel she was choosing between her parents, but this was her home, her neighborhood, and if she preferred to stay here while her mom tried to figure out what she wanted, that was her prerogative.
He told her he loved her no matter where she was and would do all he could to support her through this.
When she got off the bus that afternoon and unlocked the door of her house, she discovered much of the furniture was missing.
Kinsey was stunned.
She didn’t even know where her mom had gone.
She perched on a chair in the living room and wondered what to do with herself. Then, she began to cry. She felt afraid for her mom who seemed so lost. And angry at her dad for not preventing this.
As was her habit at times like this, she pulled out her Swiss army knife and went to work on her ankle. There were now rows of scars from the cutting, and as she drew her finger across them, she felt a little better. Self harm tormented her as she drowned in anguish.
Moving In With Mom
A week later, her mom came by after school, told her where she had moved, and suggested they pack her belongings so she could move with her. Kinsey felt conflicted. She had grown up in this house, had friends in the neighborhood she’d known all her life. To move somewhere else sounded lonely.
But, being without her mom seemed lonely too.
Her dad was only home in the evening, and he was always tired. But he was the person who seemed to provide stability in their family. Even so, her mom had always nurtured her, in spite of her problems. And the thought of being without that left her feeling bereft and isolated…something like a life boat floating alone in the ocean. Thoughts of self harm tormented and nagged at her.
So she filled her suitcase with clothes and her favorite items, along with her toothbrush, and loaded it into her mom’s car.
Her anger toward her dad grew for letting this happen. And her need to stay near her mom to protect her became more intense.
That night her dad called. He reminded her that he loved her, and missed her already. But he wanted her to do what she felt she needed to do. And invited her to come home for dinner on Friday night.
As the week dragged by she noticed her mom wasn’t doing well.
Mom would be asleep when she got home from school, and didn’t wake up till dinner time. She told Kinsey there was bread and cheese in the fridge and to feel free to make herself a grilled cheese sandwich.
What??
Her mom not only moved out of their home, but was also no longer cooking for her? It was like Kinsey was living in an apartment by herself, taking care of herself. To add to that, her mom was barely functioning. Urges of self harm tormented her.
At dinner on Friday she was afraid to tell her dad what was going on. The worse things got, the angrier toward him she felt.
Weeks went by like this, and Kinsey felt herself sinking into a darker and darker place. Her life seemed so absurd, and her motivation to do well in her 8th grade classes began to fade. She clashed often with her mom, confronting her about her own responsibility, and her mom lashed back…often threatening suicide if Kinsey didn’t support her.
After these confrontations and her mom’s responses, Kinsey felt like she would explode. Sometimes she would slap herself and beat her fists against her head, unable to cope with the anguish she felt. And there was just nowhere to turn for help. Self harm tormented her to find her knife.
No one knew.
Kinsey Withdraws
Over the next few months, Kinsey and her dad went out for dinner once a week, and he’d try to encourage her to talk about her life, her school, her friends. She said very little, aside from frequent jabs at him for letting their family fall apart.
He tried to help her see that he hated all this, but did not have the power to control her mom’s behavior. He hinted that her mom had a disorder but was not willing to get treatment. So far…
That just made Kinsey angrier.
Finally, six months after her parents’ separation, he invited Kinsey to a long weekend trip at the beach. Kinsey loved the beach, the ocean waves, and the seafood. But she didn’t want to be alone with her dad. Even so, she grudgingly agreed.
They played in the waves, soaked up the sun, and enjoyed delicious seafood meals at the specialty restaurants along the boardwalk.
After about 24 hours there, Kinsey began to relax.
Dad Helps Kinsey Explore What’s Happened
For the first time, her dad noticed that there were small parallel scars on Kinsey’s ankles. He was alarmed, but tried to not show it. As they sat in the shade, sipping lemonade freezes, her dad gently asked about the scars.
She instinctively covered her ankles with her towel, because she didn’t want Dad to see how self harm tormented her. She didn’t understand it herself.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I respect that, honey. Just know that I love you. No matter how awful all this is, nothing can change that…. The truth is, I’m hurting, too. I keep hoping we can put our family back together, and I don’t know how to do that. But meanwhile, you need to know how important you are to me, and that you’re not facing this alone.”
“Mom’s not doing well.”
“I can imagine that’s true. But do you feel safe at home?”
“I feel like I have to take care of myself and mom. I’m tired. And I have no friends. I wish life was like it used to be. Sometimes I don’t want to live anymore.”
“Kinsey, it isn’t your job to take care of Mom. You’re 14 years old — geez! —and have your hands full with school and life. You need to have the freedom to spend time with friends and have fun. The truth is, you don’t have the power to change your mom’s choices. She has to do that for herself.
“I’d like to ask you to at least think about coming back home and living with me, getting back with your friends, and letting your mom work out her own situation. It’s true that I can’t be there till dinner time, but maybe we could get help from your friends’ families for you to have company in the afternoons.
“Or maybe I could hire someone to be at the house when you come home from school, and cook dinner. We’ll figure something out so you aren’t alone. No pressure…just think about it. You deserve to be a kid.”
Kinsey looked at her hands, and nodded.
She thought about how many times when she was cutting her ankles, she thought how easy it would be to cut her wrists and escape all this.
But she’d never done it. Not yet.
They finished their lunch, then walked down the boardwalk and browsed in the shops. Kinsey bought a t-shirt and a tote bag to carry her towel and phone. She was relieved to not feel self harm tormenting her.
She felt relief at being able to do these simple things in the sunshine after all these months in a dark apartment.
Dad Offers Hope
The next morning, over breakfast, Kinsey’s dad broached the subject again.
“Honey, I did some exploring on my laptop and learned some things I didn’t know before. I learned that sometimes teens cut or hit themselves when the anguish they feel is too much to bear.
“That’s oversimplifying things, I know, but I wanted to suggest that we talk about what can be done to help you feel better.
“Honey, it wouldn’t be surprising if your life has been harder to live the last couple years due to problems at home, and mom’s symptoms getting worse, and then your mom’s and my separation.
“I can imagine it has all caused you a great deal of conflict, as well as feeling helpless. And it’s also possible that it has resulted in you becoming depressed. If that’s the case, then it’s treatable. And you can feel better. Would you be willing to see a doctor to find out if there is something that would help?”
“Dad, the idea that something can be done to help me feel more like living than wishing I could die sounds hopeful, in a way… But who knows? I have no idea.”
“Ok, I learned there’s a treatment that can do amazing things for depression. It’s called IV ketamine treatment. If it’s ok with you, I’d like to take you to the doctor to see what she says…”
Ketamine Treatment for Depression
The following Wednesday, Kinsey’s dad picked her up at school and took her to the appointment he’d made with a psychiatrist he’d found who offered ketamine treatment.
After taking a thorough history, she agreed that Kinsey suffered from major depressive disorder, and that her self-harming behaviors were linked to it. She was very hopeful that IV ketamine treatment could make a real difference.
So her dad left work early to pick her up at school twice a week, to receive these infusions.
By the third infusion, she could feel herself relaxing. She told her dad she’d like to come back to live with him, she was just worried about her mom being ok.
The idea of dying, or escaping through death, had faded away and she wasn’t thinking like that anymore.
By the fifth infusion, she began to feel hope, and a sort of brightness. In all, she received 8 infusions, and continued to feel more and more upbeat for weeks after the last one.
She embraced her school work again, and laughed with her friends. When she woke up, she sang in the shower in the morning, and walked to the bus with a spring in her step.
She finally realized she hadn’t cut herself in weeks, which was a relief when she realized it. Self harm tormented her no longer.
Kinsey also had the resilience to call her mom and talk to her, no matter how her mom reacted, and to hang up knowing her mom’s problems weren’t her fault. That’s not to say her mom’s confusion didn’t cause Kinsey to cry at times, but it was because she was sad for her, and loved her, but not because she thought it was her responsibility to save her.
In the safety of her home, with her dad’s support, Kinsey began to thrive again.
How About Your Teen?
More and more, we see teens whose life circumstances or psychiatric symptoms are so difficult, that they use self-harm to cope. It’s easy for parents to miss, because whatever harm they inflict on themselves is carefully hidden.
Parents can gently and respectfully approach their teens, check on their wellbeing, and hopefully verify whether they’ve harmed themselves through hitting, cutting, burning themselves or even breaking bones repeatedly, so they can offer hope through treatment.
If your teen can relate to Kinsey’s symptoms or circumstances, call us.
Since teens don’t have the development to cope with severe circumstances that they may have in adulthood, it’s imperative to help relieve them of emerging behaviors like self harming.
When self harm torments long enough, it can become compulsive. So early treatment is important. Ketamine treatment can be effective in stopping self-harm.
Together, let’s help them thrive again and grow into a bright future.
If you or your teen suffers from suicidal thoughts, Help is Available. Call the Suicide and Crisis Hotline 988 now.
To the restoration of your best self,
Let us help you help them.