Helen’s quiet, studious daughter Lizzie, didn’t really date in high school. Helen worried about her social life some, but it was still reassuring that she was safe at home. When she graduated and went to college, her social life developed around her dorm. First her roommates, then their friends and boyfriends. By her second semester, she had gone on some dates and was dating one boy frequently. Helen had the chance to meet him when a group of them came home for the weekend and Lizzie held a little gathering. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and was reportedly a good student. But he was soon replaced by another and then another. Her new found freedom had led to some drinking parties and a new found boldness with boys that seemed to be leading her into less than wholesome relationships. Needless to say, her mom became more and more worried. She was torn between being too overly involved and avoiding helicopter parenting her almost adult child.
When a Child Leaves the Nest
Helen had brought Lizzie up to behave in a way that was circumspect, to always keep her dignity and wits about her, and to follow her instincts when it came to evaluating people. In short, to listen to her gut. But the current boyfriend… now in her sophomore year of college… wasn’t someone Helen felt her daughter was safe with. When she met him, her skin crawled, but she tried to keep a friendly facade in hopes he didn’t sense it.
She knew her daughter, and knew Lizzie would have to see through him herself. The guy had a “bad boy” air all about him. It was all Helen could do to avoid running screaming from the room.
At the end of the weekend, as everyone piled in cars to go back to school, she whispered in her daughter’s ear, “Please be careful, honey. I love you.”
Lizzie knew her mom was serious, but she determined she would make her own decisions about her own friends. So she continued forward with her friends, their activities, and her latest boyfriend.
Helen had trouble sleeping that night after Lizzie went back to school. Not knowing what she was up to, seeing what her new friends were like. And spending a couple days around this guy she was seeing.
Making Her Own Decisions
She knew Lizzie had to find her own way and that she didn’t want to be a helicopter mom, but the risks to her daughter’s life and well being loomed like a thunder cloud overhead. She sent Lizzie text messages hoping she might find out about how Lizzie perceived this relationship. But Lizzie was evasive and said very little. Helen walked the tightrope about avoiding helicopter parenting her almost adult child.
For the next few weeks, Helen found it hard to eat. Her heart was in her throat, as anxiety about Lizzie’s welfare rose up inside her. She tried to go about her routine, commuting to work, buying groceries, attending meetings. Still, her palms were sweaty and her stomach churned. Headaches became a daily occurrence.
Then she got a call from her daughter. Lizzie had had a terrible fight with “the guy” and was crying.
“He fights dirty,” Lizzie cried.
“What do you mean, honey?”
“He’s mean, has a dirty mouth, and criticizes things I’m insecure about…he ridicules me and humiliates me.”
Helen paused a moment. “Lizzie, this is a sign of abuse and of a destructive relationship. I hope you’ll take a hard look at how this argument went and walk away from him. At least think about it. You don’t want someone in your life longterm who’s abusive, right?”
Once again, Helen knew she risked being a helicopter parent to her almost adult daughter. It was so hard to know when to speak and when to bite her tongue. It tied her stomach in knots.
Mom’s Advice Not So Welcome
Lizzie took a breath. “I’m not sure I want to break up with him over this. Maybe this was just a bad day for him… I’ll let him cool off a few days then talk with him.”
Helen privately shook her head. She knew she had to brace herself to endure while her daughter…who was perhaps a bit naive… worked her way through what was best for her.
Again, she didn’t sleep. She wrestled with her pillow and sheets all night anguishing about this unsavory guy and Lizzie. Wondering if he was ever violent…how persuasive he was when he wanted to be… how far he’d go to get his way.
She worried, and worried, and worried.
She wondered if Lizzie felt a bond with him or just didn’t want to be wrong about him. Frankly, Helen couldn’t imagine what Lizzie saw in him, but maybe she was too old to see his charm. He seemed sleazy to her. But she also knew that lots of young girls are attracted to the bad boy image. He was disgusting to Helen, but she had to avoid helicopter parenting her adult child so she bit her tongue and tried to be gracious and loving.
Daughter Withdraws
A week later, Helen called Lizzie to see how she was doing and if she was feeling better. Lizzie seemed distant, guarded. She chatted a bit, but wasn’t at all transparent or natural.
So Helen worried. She couldn’t eat much. Her stomach was too upset. She didn’t sleep much. Images of her daughter swirled in her head. Fears her daughter would be scarred if she stayed in this relationship.
But her daughter wouldn’t talk to her.
She believed the best she could do for her daughter was to love her. To keep the channels of communication as open as possible. She sent her an occasional card in the mail with a few sentences about simple things going on in the neighborhood. Or the latest gossip at the hairdresser.
This seemed to help. Her daughter welcomed the pleasant notes that didn’t refer to her boyfriend.
Helen finally talked to her friend about her situation. She didn’t give a lot of detail about her daughter…just that she was worried about her safety with the guy she was dating. Her friend, Jessica, listened compassionately. Then she pointed out that while Lizzie was finding her way through this challenging situation, Helen needed to take care of herself.
Talking to A Friend
“Helen, you’re not sleeping…you’ve lost weight you couldn’t afford to lose. You’ve taken this so hard, and worry is robbing your health. Your fears for Lizzie are backfiring onto you. I know it has taken a lot of courage and strength for you to resist taking her out of school and bringing her home. And as scary as this is, I believe you’ve made the right decision at this point.
“Lizzie will learn so much through this awful situation, but she won’t learn it if she is being shielded by you. She’ll just resent you. And maybe make worse decisions about guys going forward. You just must focus on taking care of yourself while she works through this.”
Helen knew Jessica was right.
“Jessica, how did you get so wise?” Helen chuckled.
“I’ve had two kids in college, and there were some scary times as they learned to navigate their way to adulthood. Listen, let’s go to lunch. I want to tell you about someone who helped me when things got really tough.”
Jessica and Helen clocked out at work and walked to a nearby sandwich shop. They took their food to a corner table and Jessica began.
Jessica’s Story
“When my Isabelle was in her third year at the university, and Jimmy was a freshman, they both developed problems. Jimmy was drinking heavily and skipping class, so his grades were not great. Isabelle had gotten serious with a guy who was selling drugs. I didn’t know that at first. But one night there was a police raid at a party where they were and everyone present was taken into custody.
“It came out that Isabelle hadn’t been participating in the sale of the contraband, but she had tried some hallucinogenic pills that night for the first time. It was the beginning of a time of enormous crisis, and a legal battle to try to keep her life from being ruined by a felony. Talk about the temptation to helicopter parent an almost adult child!
“Watching both my kids crater the same year was shattering for me, and I eventually became deeply depressed. I could hardly function to help them through the process. It was all I could do to dress and show up at the court hearings and meetings with the lawyer.
“We gave both kids an ultimatum, because the situation was so severe, that either they could clean up their grades and distance themselves from these friends, or we would stop paying for school and they could drop out and get jobs to support themselves.
“Thankfully, they both made hard decisions and sought out counseling on campus. They also got to work on their studies. They’re both doing well now. It was a close call. But I had to face that my love and commitment to them combined with my powerlessness to live their lives for them led to depression and anxiety. And I had to get treatment for myself.
“I learned about a practice that offered ketamine treatment, and sought counseling to help me make better decisions as a parent of transitioning young adults. Around the 4th infusion, I began to get feelings of light inside myself. And the slightest hint of hope. By the 7th, I could tell I had turned a corner.
“After 8 infusions, a booster infusion a month later, and a year of therapy, I feel resilient, full of hope, and joy for today and the future. It was a turning point in my life.”
Helen Reaches Out for Help
Helen took a sip of iced tea and thought hard. “May I have the phone number for the practice that does this ketamine treatment?”
That afternoon, Helen called the practice and made an appointment.
While Helen focused on her treatment, she had less contact with Lizzie, who was facing her own situation by herself.
Lizzie Takes a Stand
One weekend, Lizzie showed up at home for the weekend. She wanted to talk.
“I broke up with Ethan, Mom. He was volatile and manipulative. I was trying to prove to myself that I was strong enough to love him. But yesterday he slapped me. That was the final straw. I told him we were done…that I would never be with someone who physically hurt me. To be honest, I’m so relieved it’s over.”
Helen wrapped her arms around her daughter and hugged her long and hard. She was so glad she had backed off and avoided the helicopter parenting of her almost adult child. Finally. It had paid off.
“I’m so relieved for you, Lizzie. So relieved. I’m so proud of you for standing by your principles.You’re a fine young woman, and you deserve to be loved, respected, and nurtured. Good for you.”
They talked off and on all weekend about school, grades, her experiences with Ethan, and Helen’s treatment. It was eye-opening for Lizzie to realize what her mom went through, but she was also proud of her mom for putting her well being first. It was something Lizzie would always remember for herself, too.
What About You?
Do you find that your worry about your child threatens your own wellbeing? Have you been losing sleep, finding it hard to work, suffering gastrointestinal or headache symptoms, or even trembling at times? Have you lost your footing in trying to avoid helicopter parenting your adult child?
Ketamine treatment isn’t for everyone, but can be so effective for people who suffer from depression, some forms of anxiety, PTSD, social anxiety, and suicidal thoughts that won’t stop.
If you suffer from these conditions and and what you’re doing isn’t helping, call us.
Ketamine treatment can provide relief from symptoms that interfere with your life. Diet changes can also enhance ketamine’s benefits. And its neuroplasticity can help you change your thinking to a more resilient outlook.
We are here to help you build a stronger foundation for building a more rewarding life.
It’s all about you achieving your best self.
To the restoration of your best self,
