Grace had been depressed off and on since her she was a little girl. No one called it depression back then. She was shy, and her withdrawal was dismissed by others as just another of her odd behaviors. They thought she just got more “wound up” than some people. After she was grown and married, the family psychiatrist diagnosed her depression and prescribed antidepressants.
Overcoming feelings of shame and worthlessness had proven her most difficult challenge. She tried the first prescription for a few years, with only a little improvement. She was accustomed to trudging. Eventually, her prescription was changed, and she began to feel much better. So much better in fact, that she considered herself overall better for years. She was grateful to be one of those 30% who were actually helped by medication.
Even though Grace experienced loss from divorce and deaths in the family, and though she grieved, she never became depressed like she’d been before. Sadness was different than major depression, as a medical condition. She still functioned through her days, but felt sad for a good while after each loss. Until she could finally move forward again.
But then the pandemic spread around the world. It imposed changes upon households everywhere, like isolation, mask wearing, and social distancing. Basically, adaptations were required from everyone.
It was a shock. And it was tiring.
As far as Grace was concerned, she began to notice her optimism was diminishing. The resilience she had come to expect and rely on weakened. The agitation and short tempers in loved ones she trusted startled her, shocked her, and shook her foundations. She felt beat up.
More and more beat up… until she didn’t want to expose herself to the blows of others.
And she withdrew.
Of course, Grace told herself she was isolating herself to comply with social distancing, but little by little she had to admit to herself that this was something more. She found herself losing motivation and initiative, and a desire for interaction with others, as well. She began to read. In fact, she read all day until she went to sleep every night. She stopped answering the phone, and went to her mailbox at night to avoid running into anyone.
Heaven forbid she should have to see anyone…to be expected to interact. No way!
Then, of all the horrors, her hair was falling out. Alarmingly quickly. What was this? She found wads of her hair on the shower drain. She felt it glide along her arms as it fell out and slid to the ground. Her brush and comb was full of her hair!
Not to mention, she struggled with insomnia. She was still taking her usual medications, including her antidepressants and a sleep aid, but nothing seemed to be helping. It was baffling when it had all been under control for so long.
Eventually she had to face that she was depressed for some reason, and what was worse, she suffered from pretty severe insomnia.
Why? Where had this come from?
The state she was in was shocking when she’d been doing so well for years. Even decades!
Overcoming these feelings of shame and worthlessness …well it seemed impossible.
As a natural introvert, she couldn’t imagine that the isolation would bother her. It didn’t feel like it was bothering her…
And she loved to read. She just hadn’t had time for so many years that she’d gotten out of the habit. The freedom to read one book after another was delicious. She reveled in it.
Well, not at first. At first the reading was more like something to fill her mind while she lay in bed. To keep her thoughts captured. But eventually, it became a pleasure. Her only pleasure.
Even so, Grace was noticing some phobias in herself that had been absent for decades. What on earth? Seriously??
She went out of her way to avoid contact with people. Trips to the grocery store were hard, but she managed ok as long as she didn’t look anyone in the eye. She had to have food, after all.
Thankfully, her doctor had made small increases in her antidepressant and sleeping prescriptions, in hopes the changes would help.
Along with the phobias, shame arose. Shame at her withdrawal and for avoiding people. Shame for all her life’s mistakes. Boy…when it rains it pours. And she was in a deluge!
In all those quiet days and nights she had an abundance of time to think. To revisit the failures of her life. Those times when she handled conflict poorly. All those times she let someone down. The mistakes and misunderstandings of her marriage, and her divorce. She was drowning in regret, and the ways she failed her children. The shame of her human missteps was unbearable. So unbearable that she felt worthless. Unworthy to be loved, or to take up the air she breathed.
On one particularly sorrowful night, it occurred to her how easy it would be to make her life stop. She had various tools in the house that would simplify the action.
Finally, as news of more people receiving vaccines led to hope that things might soon open up, Grace began to see some light at the end of the tunnel. She found that she laughed out loud as she read certain books. Then she found herself more animated as she talked with loved ones on the phone. Her energy began to return, and cooking seemed easier.
Maybe she would eventually emerge from this…?
After a year in a pandemic, severe ice storms unprecedented in some areas…depression, isolation, anxiety, brought on by isolation… This has been a very — no, extremely — difficult year. Pat yourself on the back that you’re reading this and in one piece.
No kidding! It’s been a bear, hasn’t it??
What about you? How have you fared?
You may be beating yourself up for what you didn’t do. Were you optimistic…or did you grow pessimistic and disgusted with the world…and yourself? Did you find ways to make the best of annoying circumstances… or has it been a struggle? Did you enjoy the camaraderie that came with the awareness that the entire world was in the same boat… or have you felt alone?
Don’t punish yourself!
Reports from across the globe speak of increasing numbers of people diagnosed with depression, when they’ve never been depressed before. You’re not alone! Those who already grappled with disorders found them getting worse. (Reports of hair loss have skyrocketed.)
Overcoming feelings of shame and worthlessness can be so hard, and they can come unexpectedly. The world has seen a level of shock on an individual level that hasn’t been seen in over 100 years. If you think you haven’t been deeply affected by the happenings of the last year, you may have been touched in ways you didn’t realize.
None of us is an island, as they say. We’re all connected in ways we may not understand, but also can’t really deny.
If you haven’t tested positive for COVID-19, you may have been surprised like Grace at some of the impact that still invaded your life. Inexplicably.
On the other hand, if you already were receiving treatment for a disorder like severe depression, PTSD, bipolar depression, or suicidal thinking, it might have gotten worse.
Are you like Grace, finding your treatment is no longer enough? Do you try and fail to overcome feelings of shame and worthlessness? Do you know those painful feelings are also a symptoms of some disorders, like severe depression, bipolar depression, and PTSD?
If you can relate to Grace’s struggles, hurts, despair, and shame, you’re among friends. This pandemic has been tough on everyone, and it’s shown no mercy. In addition, if you were already trying to climb out of an emotional hole before the pandemic, this year of difficulty may have been business as usual for you.
But there is help.
If your medication hasn’t helped, IV ketamine just might. It reverses symptoms for so many.
Understand that ketamine infusions aren’t for everyone. They never have been. Still, research continues to explore the depths and limitations of ketamine. And because of its wide therapeutic success in others with treatment resistant mood disorders and trauma, the likelihood it will help you is strong.
At Innovative Psychiatry, we just want to see you free of defeating symptoms, with the energy, clarity, and hope to move forward and enjoy a productive and rewarding life.
To that end, we’ve supplied protection for you from coronavirus and bacteria in the air and on surfaces in our office so you can focus on getting treatment so you can get better. Even though the COVID-19 cases have dramatically reduced, the pandemic continues. But when you’re in our offices, you will be protected and cared for.
Everything we do is focused on helping you get better, achieve remission, and enjoy your life and your relationships. It’s amazing the energy and insight you can have in relationship building when the burden of symptoms is removed.
Life is getting better and will keep improving. We want that for you and are here to help.
To the restoration of your best self,
