Most misunderstood symptom of bipolar disorder that divides families, shames sufferers, and hurts those who love them… BEGS to be treated before damage is done.
It was 1am. Deftly, he slid the window open and quietly climbed into the room. In a moment his clothes were off and he was under the covers. 14-year-old Jillian whispered, “What took you so long?”
Bernie, who was 15, whispered, “My parents took forever to go to bed. I’m so glad you’re still awake, and so glad you didn’t scream when I opened the window!”
“Bernie, you should go home. What if my parents check on me..?”
“Don’t worry, Jillz. They’ll never know I’m here. Everything’s ok.”
Then, he moved above her in the dark, and began to kiss her…
Shocking, even horrifying for parents. But when a teenager has bipolar disorder, parental structure and rules aren’t enough to dampen overwhelming urges.
And sadly, the teenager begins to develop a reputation for making trouble before he even knows who he is.
Emotionally charged…? You bet.
Damaging labels? Oh yes.
Challenging for parents to respond productively? More than words can say…
But an early teenager usually doesn’t have the mental/emotional equipment, no matter how balanced he may be, to manage such compelling, overwhelming impulses and urges.
You try it with the same circumstances.
Add to that a disordered early teenager smack in the middle of puberty who also is suffering from bipolar disorder where the upswings presents with hypersexuality…?
And sadly, sometimes these kids who don’t know how to handle the urges can’t imagine having the forethought of contraception… and somebody is likely to get pregnant. Disaster compounds upon crisis, critical illness, and parents are hit with it all at once.
Then, think about this scenario…
Is It Betrayal…? Or a Symptom??
Dahlia was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was 12… and she’d had quite a few episodes of mania over the years. Now she was nearly 30, and had been married for years.
As the pits and darkness…the isolation and emptiness…of depression began to dissipate, and she was beginning to see the light of day again…she noticed something new rising up. At first she thought it was just the relief of feeling better…but as it slowly grew in intensity she couldn’t ignore it anymore.
Arousal.
For awhile, she and her husband were having delightful “private times” together. It was the best bedroom fun they’d ever had. She felt on top of the world. And she felt more and more charming, more clever. She laughed easily, chattered with sparkle…and she began to think she must be the most entertaining person in the world.
But as her twinkle and charm ballooned, so did her capacity for arousal. And her efforts to satiate her desire just weren’t enough. Not in the bedroom, not with her husband…whom she loved with all her heart…not as the “belle of the ball” when entertaining at home or at the holiday cocktail party at her work.
It wasn’t long before she was aroused at work, during lunch, in meetings with co-workers… Not knowing what to do about it, she’d excuse herself and go to the restroom.
Finally late one night while her husband was asleep…she found one of those “hookup” websites she’d heard about and signed up. Wild, right? Within minutes…someone contacted her.
She never intended to act on it. And never intended to be unfaithful to her sweet and supportive husband. She had reached the point that her ears were ringing from the constant arousal…and she reached out to find release…relief.
And hated herself immediately.
Her husband was devastated. So were her friends. So she called her psychiatrist who adjusted her medications to help bring her back into balance. Then professional counseling, with her heartbroken husband, to help them heal and put boundaries and safe guards in place to ward off the triggers.
Think This Sounds Like an Excuse for Bad Behavior?
So many behaviors of people with bipolar disorder seem like poor self-control. Which it is…and that’s the point.
We don’t judge a person who has no legs for not walking. A person with severe bipolar disorder is missing his self-control, his judgment, and his ability to weigh consequences as if he was missing his “legs.”
So, let’s start by acknowledging yes, this condition can be emotionally-charged for loved ones.
Hypersexuality…sounds rather scientific…doesn’t it..? If you didn’t know better, you might think it was caused by a virus…like diarrhea or rhinitis might be… But if you heard this condition was afflicting your spouse or child, the SEX part of it would probably catch your attention pretty quick!
And yes…symptoms can also result in betrayal.
But there’s a difference between virus symptoms and bipolar disorder symptoms… when someone with bipolar disorder acts on hypersexuality, people can get hurt, disasters can happen, friendships can be broken, and marriages betrayed.
How can a symptom hurt anyone besides the person who’s ill?
Because hypersexuality usually involves someone else…or multiple “someone elses.”
Hypersexuality is when someone has an intensely increased, overwhelmingly strong, desire for sex.
And in bipolar disorder, it can accompany mania. It’s not a part of that person’s character. It’s caused by the disorder in their brain.
Here’s another definition: Any compulsive sexual behavior that interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on the family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment.
You might say, well why didn’t he/she resist the urges?
Try this: Picture yourself inhaling a bowl of black pepper through your nose.. Now…don’t sneeze.
Like with a sneeze, it’s difficult to resist an overwhelming urge.
What causes hypersexuality in people who suffer from bipolar disorder?
In a review of the literature published in Cureus in Oct 2015, Kenneth Blum and his team wrote that the nucleus accumbens (located within the ventral striatum, not far from the amygdala) controls behaviors evoked by incentive stimuli.
More simply, when you do something knowing there’ll be a reward for it, this structure mandates your behavior. So think of things like eating, drinking, and sex.
They make the point that an imperative rule of positive reinforcement is that the response increases in magnitude and strength if it’s followed by reward.
So whatever you do that gives you a sexual reward, you’re likely to do more often and with more intensity to get more reward.
For someone who suffers from severe bipolar disorder with hypersexuality, the sexual reward is worth seeking with massive passion. And when you take into account the impulsivity that goes with bipolar disorder, considering consequences in advance of action is just too big an order.
In her article in EverydayHealth on hypersexuality and bipolar disorder, Diana Rodriguez points out that an increased interest in sex isn’t of itself a problem. But, when the “heightened sense of sexuality” is paired with bipolar manic symptoms like impulsivity, risk-taking, and poor judgment, the resulting behavior can be damaging to far too many aspects of your life.
So what can you do?
First, call your psychiatrist. She can help bring your symptoms under control with medication. When your symptoms are controlled, the urges will most likely dissipate.
Second, therapy and counseling for you and your loved ones. Information is power. Communicate with your loved ones about this symptom, and build a plan with your therapist for treating the sexual arousal when it shows up again.
You need to break the mania, and hope you come in for a smooth landing. Without falling through the floor and into another depressive episode
But What If You Fall Through the Floor?
Sometimes what happens when mania breaks is a depression so deep and unrelenting that nothing can lift it. If that’s where you are, you may want to consider a novel advanced treatment that’s demonstrated it can help in the majority of cases that weren’t relieved by other medicines. IV ketamine treatment.
Since bipolar depression can include agitation and a sense of worthlessness, it’s important to effectively treat it before you have suicidal thoughts or immediately after they start. Those who suffer with untreated bipolar disorder have a high risk for suicidal thoughts.
Thankfully, ketamine for suicidal thoughts is one of the best and most rapid treatments we have for suicidal thinking. It can stop suicidal thoughts in 4 hours … and usually far less.
Ketamine treatment shows extraordinary effectiveness in relieving bipolar disorder symptoms.
So…maybe you’re asking yourself, How do I find the most skilled treatment with ketamine from a psychiatrist near me?
At Innovative Psychiatry in South Windsor, CT ketamine for depression, bipolar depression, and other mood disorders can help patients with terrible depressive symptoms who haven’t been helped by any other medicines or treatments.
Ketamine is so effective with depression. Although it doesn’t work for everyone, in most cases it does, like gangbusters.
If you suffer from severe bipolar disorder, and have been failed by other medicines and treatments offered you, it doesn’t help to think that you’re “treatment-resistant.” You just need something that works in a better way.
Think about ketamine treatment — administered with skill, insight, and psychiatric expertise to ensure the best possible outcome for you.
Bipolar disorder can be one of the most devastating psychiatric disorders, and can cause extensive damage in your life, until it’s treated. But you can get your life back and enjoy it again. You don’t have to be driven by the symptoms you experience or suffer with shame from the damage they’ve caused.
Call us, and let us help you find the life you long to live.
To the reinvigoration of your best self,
In my ex-husbands case it’s not true that he just couldn’t help himself from cheating on me for ten years with several women – one of them being a 17 year old. I know this because, for example, I know he looked up if it were legal to have sex with a 17 year old in PA. The consequence of being put in jail was enough for him, but ruining my sense of trust and safety wasn’t enough of a consequence for him. He ruined us. We were a beautiful facade, but it was all just a facade. Still, I miss the facade. Bipolar isn’t an excuse. They know what’s right and wrong, but how their actions impacts others just doesn’t register on the scale for them.
Oh, and it’s legal in PA to have sex with a 17 year old – gross.
You don’t understand bipolar disorder at all. The thinking brain (frontal lobe) is shut down (not working) in hypomania/mania episode. Hypersexuality is caused by a malfunction in the brain and it sometimes appears in a hypomania/mania episode. Hypersexuality in bipolar disorder shouldn’t be judged as a moral failing because it is caused by a mental illness.
You’re right that hypersexuality can be a symptom of mania or hypomania in bipolar disorder–and often is. That is really one of the points I want to underscore in this article. And when hypersexuality occurs as part of a manic episode, it is often not identified or it’s just misunderstood, and can wreck havoc on relationships and families. This can happen because so many people don’t really recognize mania and hypomania in themselves or in their families and friends, and don’t understand how manic symptoms can evolve and change even bipolar disorder from episod to episode, in the same person. You couldn’t be more right in stating that hypersexuality in bipolar disorder shouldn’t be judged as a moral failing. Thank you so much for underscoring this!
If his thinking were shut down, then why did he look up if it were legal for someone in their mid 30s have sex with a 17 year old? That includes some logical thinking certainly. He had his head on his shoulders enough to not cross the legal line, but screw the moral line. Morals are about staying the course and doing the right thing no matter how conflicted and confused a person feels. Morals are a compass to guide you when you’re most confused. I’m sorry, but to not address it as partially a moral failing is to pawn responsibility off onto the disease, and then the disease holds power forever over the person and their actions and the consequences there of. Unless those with bipolar individuals decide to do what’s right, with the help of medication and therapy, they’ll be forever use bipolar as excuse for their hurtful behavior when they go manic, and that is manipulative and wrong.
Agree 100% with everything you said. My partner has Bipolar 1 with hypersexuality and we trying to figure out the best ways to treat it, best types of therapists and psychiatrists to go to, best medications, etc. I am extremely scared as I write this that nothing will help. It’s such a hard thing for the partner of someone with Bipolar Hypersexuality. It hurts regardless of the cause. I hope things will work out and I won’t be hurt again.
And to be clear, I’m talking about repeat occurrences of hyper-sexuality and repeat cheating, after being medicated and then going off medication.
This article made so much sense to me and lifted a weight off my shoulders that i had been carrying around. I have lived with guilt, regret and shame and felt unworthy of love and attention. I have blamed myself for the past and it has ruined the relationships and friendships.
I don’t trust myself anymore. I have don’t think im worthy of anyone’s trust because my mania is insane.
but this article really helped me in understanding myself better..
but that’s not all, it wont undo my mistakes or bring y loved ones back.
If anyone knows what can help me in moving forward in life, please email.
I wish my ex would’ve understood at least smidgen of this article! He didn’t want any parts of any of it! This article was like I wrote it myself!! Married 20yrs and together 21, it was the worst period of my life! Thank you for sharing this knowledgeable info!
Harmony is right. People with bipolar disorder actually DO have a choice, it should not all be blamed on the disease. I will grant you that it does make it very difficult but it is possible. I’m speaking from experience. I am 31 right now. When I was 27 I had a manic episode and it was severe. Because I didn’t know what was happening and didn’t receive help I ended up in a mental institution (where I was later diagnosed). But before I did, I struggled with hyper sexuality very badly. I am married, and I was with my husband but I felt our time together wasn’t enough. As bad as the urge was I did not sleep around or go looking for anyone. I struggled with it for months but still kept my convictions on “cheating is wrong” with me. It depends on the moral conviction of the person before hand. It’s very difficult but not impossible. Not trying to blame or shame anyone here.